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“SO FUCKING WHAT?” Nick responds, “We do have a dress code
you know!” She icily informs him, well by now both Nick and Ade are incandescent with anger, “This is fucking
ridiculous!” Nick rages, “I’m not standing here for some fucking twat in a suit to come and fucking inspect
me, fuck this!” turns around and storms off, people inexplicably diving out of the way as we thunder along the deck.
I wouldn’t have been at all surprised if some of the passengers had dived into the icy sea rather than face the looks
on both Ade and Nicks faces. This was absolutely incredible and I have to say I have never witnessed anything so insulting as what had just happened.
We all go into a bar and get a drink to cool
down because, despite the principle of the matter, it is we who will end up the losers as we are all now quite hungry and
currently have no prospect of getting anything at all to eat. Ade has decided he is going to go back to the restaurant wearing
nothing but his boots and will ask if this maybe suited her dress code? I think he truly means to do it, too and wonder if I have time to fetch my camera, but instead Ade and I talk with the manager of a small bar who
agrees to have a word and hopefully sort something out. I go with him to talk to the witch/woman on the front of house desk
at the “Blue Ribband” because we need to book a table for 5 people not 3 as Jules and Paul have, by now, joined
us. I decide, somewhat irrationally to have a bit of fun and feel it’s probably better not to tell the band. I return
to the “Blue Ribband” and see the woman at the desk still; she has her manager with her and points me out to him
as one of the party she had summoned him to inspect. She has a face that looks like she has just smelt shit somewhere just
under her nose so I take the bull by the horns and plunge in…
“Do you have any idea who that actually
was that you just so rudely insulted?” I ask her, using all my skills honed from years of experience of dealing with
irate customers I don’t give her time to reply, which is the key to this sort of tactic and proceed without taking a
breath.
“That was Mr Nick Saloman, leader of the
rock band the Bevis Frond” I say this to her almost daring her to say she had never heard of the Bevis Frond, She has
not got the bottle and I dig in, insinuating that they are a household name all over the world, I am inwardly astounded when
she falls for it hook, line and sinker! As indeed does the manager she brought up for the inspection of our clothing! Both
are nodding at me like complete idiots! I am not usually particularly good at fooling people but this particular time it went
like a dream. Trying to take care not to overdo it I continue,
“He is currently on a world tour, with
most of his entourage flying in direct and is dressed like that because most of our clothes are locked up in the tour bus
and he wanted to relax on this part of the trip and not be recognised” I look at the pair of them, both apologising
but me not having it, I press on, “Mr Saloman wanted to take in the breathtaking scenery of this country by vessel and
is now extremely upset by the treatment he has received!” It has got to the point where I nearly cannot carry it through
as it is all getting so silly, but I think, fuck it! These people were so arrogantly
and breathtakingly rude not fifteen minutes prior, so they deserved to grovel a little.
I manage to keep a straight face however and
persevere. They ask me what they can do to make amends and I explain that all we ever wanted was to eat in peace and quiet
and felt that they should now ensure that he and his party are treated with a little more respect when they come up for their
meal” I guess my years of training as a manager in a department store has finally come to some use after all, because
they agree to arrange a table with personal waiter service and to ensure that we are not disturbed in any way. Wonderful! I was not sure how Nick or Ade would take to me dealing with this matter in this way
so I have kept quiet about this until now, but the way I saw it was Ade needed to eat just like the rest of us but being vegetarian,
it was the only possibility of getting anything suitable. And anyway, why the hell shouldn’t we have had some proper
respect!
I return to Nick, Ade, Paul and Jules and tell
them I have secured a table for us all, They are pleased I think mainly because despite the sandwich they have procured at
the small bar, they are all by now quite hungry and so we return to the restaurant and are led to our table, the manager gives
me a very subtle nod as I pass him, our waiter comes over to introduce himself and informs us that he will be looking after
us for the rest of the meal and not to hesitate if there is anything we want. The food is good and everyone finally relaxes.
During the meal the in-house pianist begins to play a hauntingly familiar tune. We realise with amazement what it is, Ade
looks at me incredulously and says, “Hey Al, isn’t that the theme tune from Titanic?” I nod in agreement
that it is, Ade continues, “And aren’t we on a large boat sailing where they have some icebergs?” I nod
again and everyone looks at each other for a moment or two before bursting out laughing, it is a very surreal moment…
The band comment on how good the waiter service was
and after finishing our meal we all decide to head for the nightclub, I nod at the manager as we walk out and mouth, “Thank
you” to him, he smiles and nods back at me. We check out the disco and having decided that it is not for us, we go out
on deck, Jules however has booked a seat at the cinema and so he disappears. We find our way out on deck and find it deserted,
which is not surprising really considering the sub zero temperature! A joint is rolled and surreptitiously passed around,
there ensues a lot of giggling and it is funny, because even though I do not partake, watching is almost as much fun! They
are very careful not to be seen smoking it by anyone else and when the joint is finished it is Ades job to despatch it over
the side, he tests the wind and with an obviously well practiced deft flick, sends it towards a watery grave. However a capricious
sea god decides to fuck with Ade and sends an unexpected gust of wind to lift the discarded joint up just before it hits the
water, send it back up the side of the boat, over all of our heads, down the other side and onto a lifeboat, still smoking
slightly! Discretion being the better part of valour… we disappear.
Discussing
the internet community
Down below, the band are still giggling from
the effects of the smoke up on deck and we all collapse in hysterics when Paul manages to walk straight into the only pillar
on this part of the deck! It was one of those supremely sublime and very, very funny moments. We go down to the “Admirals
nightclub” to watch the in-house band playing requests for everyone and also covers of the Floyd, Stones and Beatles
etc, their big problem appears to be when someone actually wanders over to request a song! This causes mass consternation
amongst the band and though we cannot hear the exact nature of the dancers request, the singer’s mike broadcasts his
replies over the P.A, “Err…no, we don’t know that one…no, nor that one! Err…hang on,”
he leans back, speaks to the drummer, turns back to the man making the requests and after a short consultation, “No
sorry, the drummer doesn’t know that one either” and so on…
We watch all this with amusement and finally
the band give up and just plough on with the tunes they do have in their “hits by numbers” books. They launch
into “another one bites the dust!” which is all rather apt, really.
The dance floor is filled with teeny
boppers who have seen the better part of 60 and it affords the five of us with an hour or so of fun. There are all types on
this ship, from the loving couples who dance as if they are one entity; the ancient mariners who jitterbug to every tune including
“”Yesterday”; there are also the lonely hearts who sit around the nightclub eyeing up the talent with well
honed skill, several times we feel the heat of some single woman’s hot gaze but I guess our dress code did not fit in
with their perceptions of what a good catch should look good, because we were left alone all evening! Still, from my point
of view it was a great evening as it gave me the chance to really talk to Nick about his music. Nick expressed his interest
in and asked me to tell him about the Internet community that I discovered and joined a few months back. I tell him all I
know and he is really amazed and quite touched that people really care that much about his music that they created a community
dedicated to it. He is full of questions about it and we discuss the impact his music has had on so many people, I ask all
sorts of questions surrounding his career, musical tastes, personal heroes etc and time passes swiftly. I finally pluck up
the courage to ask him about demo recordings, live material and unreleased stuff and Nick is happy to discuss this in detail.
Nick is quite cool about live recordings so long as no one ever profits from it. Swapping for example seems fine and he well
understands the dedicated fans desire to have as much material as is humanly possible. I move on to demos and outtakes etc
and we discuss the Beatles as a case in point. I personally have around 40 different tapes of studio material and am absolutely
fascinated by the way a song was constructed, the different phases it had to go through before reaching its final shape, the
versions that for one reason or another never got released. I have for example a tape that I have made up from as many different
versions of “Strawberry Fields Forever” as I could find. It fills up one whole side of a 90 minute cassette and
starts with Lennon in what sounds like his bedroom strumming chords and “la la la-ing “ along to it, before it moves on to the first version in the studio, through various takes to the final stereo
and mono mixes. It is a fascinating tape to listen to, and I ask Nick about his demos and outtakes. We have a great discussion
concerning unreleased material and I suggest to him the possibility of releasing some of his demos to a very limited audience
of hardcore fans (i.e. the community) and the idea clearly appeals to Nick. I decide to push further and suggest that it could
be a limited edition, signed and numbered. Nick likes the idea of a limited CD run and further ideas are passed back and forth.
I am inwardly exultant that my suggestion seems to have merit and support from Nick himself and we talk about what material
could be released. I mention the early albums and Nick explains that they could in fact be called the demos themselves as
he recorded them all in his back bedroom studio. We talk about “New River Head” which is regarded by many as a
particularly fine example, “Superseeder” and others as possibilities, but at that point in time “New river
head” was potentially going to be part of the reissue program that had started. So we looked at more recent albums and
decided that “Valedictory Songs” would be a good starting place, especially as Nick had virtually a whole CD’s
worth of demos for that album. The seeds have been sown and we move on to other subjects. We finish our drinks and go out
onto the deck for one last joint before retiring for the night; Paul, Ade, Nick and myself enjoy the bracing sea air for around
10 minutes before one of us says, “Fuck this, it’s bloody freezing!” and we all retire to our cabins for
the night.
So what do I think
of it so far?
As the ferry cruises through the icy fjords that
are shrouded in night, I ponder my impressions of the tour so far. First and foremost, I love every second of it! I have been
made to feel extremely welcome and been included in everything apart from actually being onstage with them. They are not pretentious,
bigheaded or anything else like that! At this point in the tour diary I will digress for a few minutes, because I find myself
comparing this tour with “classic” tour stories I have read about by other bands, the rumours of debauchery, fun,
outrageous stunts, fun, drink, fun drugs, fun, women etc. Are they true and how do the band entertain themselves if they are
not? I can just imagine all of you have suddenly pricked up your ears in the hope of some salacious tales of sexual romps…
well…sorry, it just wasn’t like that! This is not a cover up but the plain and simple truth. But in fact it could,
however be said that it was me that came closest in München, where a female friend of mine met up with me and took me out
to dinner. We had never met before, having only ever chatted over the internet. The others all suspected that she would be
spending the night with me, especially as I had wangled the single room in the hotel, so they ran a sweepstake betting that
I would get laid that night. Only Ade, who knew me well, bet against it happening and consequently was 15 euros up on the
night having claimed his winnings from the others. The fact of the matter is that she and I are great friends and after the
gig she went home. She was of course invited back for drinks but was too tired and that was that! If any of the others ever
got up to anything, I never saw it and so believe that that aspect of the “rock tour”, while not a myth, was not
part of this tour. However, Drinks certainly are! Beer being top of the list, although it must be said Jules was a mineral
water man throughout the tour. It must have been hard for him at times, especially as each venue gave us a crate or two of
beer to take back to the hotel with us. Drugs? Nothing apart from the odd joint as far as I could tell. Don’t these
guys have fun, I hear you cry! Well of course they do, and hopefully this diary shows that up well!
That night, I reflected on each individual that
make up the current incarnation of the Bevis Frond and naturally Nick is first up…
Nick.
My first meeting with Nick was at his 40th
birthday bash at Walthamstow, He was in amongst the crowd, meeting and greeting and I was really struck by his complete lack
of “I’m the star here” attitude! As I have said, the band are certainly not pretentious in any way and if
Nick has a strop it is usually because of someone expressing a narrow minded, arrogant opinion of him or being obnoxious in
some way, such as the woman table monitor (or whatever her title was) onboard this ship. Nick’s reaction to people who
criticise him or his music is refreshingly direct;
“Well fuck off then!” is along the
lines of a typical response. He is very protective of his music and quite rightly so, his dislike of certain music journalists
mirrors my view of a lot of so called music magazines. Yet Nick is still so generous with his music too, donating unreleased
tracks to a myriad of causes throughout his career.
Nick firmly believes in himself won’t take
any shit from anyone, is unafraid to fight for what he believes in and is a thoroughly nice guy! Most “rock stars”
have egos as big as their stage show, Nick doesn’t! (This guy plays in shop windows!)
He doesn’t however suffer fools gladly,
particularly when on stage, and most especially if you, are the soundman and things aren’t working properly such as
happened at Schwäbish Hall later in the tour, but, to my mind, this is only because he is a professional who gives his all
to a performance and he gets annoyed with people who don’t reciprocate.
One or two venues during the tour did not provide
what they were supposed to, treating the band like second class citizens at times and Nick was always straight in there, my
advice to all those errant soundmen and others is…don’t fuck up then!
I find Nick great fun to be with, he is witty,
intelligent, kind and generous to a fault, and of course also thoroughly professional and dedicated to what he does, passionate
about his music and a fantastic guitarist, singer and songwriter and all round great guy.
Ade.
As was stated in the opening section of this
diary, but is perhaps worth repeating here, my first recollection of Ade is at a Hawkwind concert in 1977 when the band were
touring “Quark strangeness and charm”, which was during one of Hawkwind’s rather sporadic good periods.
It is possible I saw him with Magic Muscle as
they supported Hawkwind at the roundhouse in the early seventies, but I have no real memory of that and as previously stated
It was not until Nicks 40th birthday bash that I actually spoke to him, Ironically, I spent most of the evening
before the Frond went on trying to talk to and listen to someone who seemed quite interesting but the over powering in-house
music made it an impossible task! It wasn’t until he was introduced on stage by Nick as Adrian Shaw, ex-Hawkwind that
I felt that opportunity had just cruised past, waved, then given me the finger as it moved on!
As you know I was not about to let that happen
and sought him out afterwards, having a good chat about a lot of things. He gave me his address and told me to write to him
as I expressed an interest in any solo material he might have. Gradually we became friends and that eventually led me to being
on this tour.
Ade has been in the music business for years
and has played with any number of well-known musicians. He was even lined up for T-Rex. Marc Bolan was however, tragically
killed in a car crash
He has known Nick for a long time now and as
stated several times before, the pair have developed the incredible ability to know and understand each other on what seems
to be an intuitive level.!
Ade may well appear as the quiet one, the thoughtful
one, appearing almost like the elder statesman, but this impression flies in the face of the facts. Ade has been the perpetrator
of many a prank and joke over the years, you only have to talk to any of the artists that have played with Ade in the band
to find this out, almost all have fallen victim to his exploding device attached to the toilet seat! Subsequently I spent
quite a bit of time worrying what he had planned for me and I always checked the toilet seat before I sat down!
Ade is a tremendously funny guy with a very dry
wit, he is a practical joker, a wonderful bass player, very, very kind, caring, and, again, an all round great guy!
Paul
Paul, like the entire band is a really friendly person. He is a fairly quiet individual who possesses
the enviable ability to fall asleep sprawled across the amps and guitars in the back of a transit van!
His own band the Alchemysts were at the time of writing, inactive and so he was invited to sell
the merchandise on the tour.
As also explained earlier, I managed to convince Ade I would be better suited for that job and
Paul better for the band! He is truly an excellent guitar player and also, more crucially for this line up, a team player,
in other words his job was to play mostly rhythm, filling out the sound rather than competing, despite him being really good
at lead.
Looking like a cross between Sid Vicious and the late, great Joe Strummer, Paul cuts a quiet figure
when on stage with the Frond, there is a really cool clip of Paul in Munich (I think) playing his choppy guitar during “Stoned
Train Driver” and smoke curls lazily up around him, Paul’s eyes focused on something far away, totally into the
music, it is a quite wonderful image to see and a perfect example of how well Paul fitted into the band.
He is as I have said a very friendly person, full of amusing tales of his escapades with the Alchemysts,
Paul is like all the others in the band and is not big headed in any way but modest and laid back.
Jules
Jules is new to me, unlike all the others, I have never met him before and despite his sometimes
serious expression, he is good fun to be around as well. Jules’s main challenge (as far as the audience is concerned)
is that he is filling the very popular Andy Ward’s shoes! Not a particularly easy task for Jules you might think, but
when you have witnessed some of the drum solos that did on this tour, you will know that Jules is more than capable of holding
his own.
An utter chocoholic, Jules at times seems incapable of surviving without a piece of chocolate or
at the very least a chocolate drink sometime during the day.
He is a Jazz influenced drummer and absolutely full of amusing and interesting stories of who and
where he has played in the past!
Jules also has the ability to vanish suddenly, more
of which later. He is a very likeable, friendly and professional guy who has this amazing ability to be able to never be caught
smiling on camera, he is great fun to be with!
13/03/02
Oslo, Norway.
Jules vanishes and
a hard decision is made
In the morning I wake up to the harmonious duet that is occurring between Nick and Ade, it went
a little like this…
Nick:“zzzzzzzzzzzz!”
Ade:“ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”
Nick:“ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZ!”
Ade:“ZZZZ….snort!!ZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZ!”
It is impossible to sleep any more with this racket, so I decide to get up and go for a walk. The
snoring is building to a crescendo and I really try my hardest not to disturb them. Climbing slowly and cautiously down from
my bunk, I creep across the room, but somehow Nick’s radar is on and he turns, spies me with one foot in the bathroom
and mutters,
“Oh for fucks sake!”
He pounds his pillow for a second
and closes his eyes again; Ade’s response is succinct,
“ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!”
Oh well, you can’t win them all!
I wash, dress and go out on deck to welcome the new morning, it is a beautiful morning, the ship
is currently cruising through a particularly beautiful fjord, geese fly over head and trees line both banks of the channel,
I take a moment or two to take in this breathtaking spectacle, remember I have never been this far north in Europe and this
is the first marked change in landscape I have witnessed.
I snap off a few photos for the scrapbook and go in search of breakfast. I discover a nice restaurant
that serves a good hearty breakfast and stock up for the day ahead. We are headed for Bergen in northwest Norway and that
is a long, long journey. As I am slightly diabetic it is sensible for me to eat as much as I can now as I am not sure where
the next stop will be, but maybe this is just an excuse to stuff my face, in any case I don’t care and pile my plate
high!!
As I sit down I suddenly recognise the music that is being played on the p a system. It is Cliff
Richards “Mistletoe and Wine” Considering it is now March, I am slightly bemused by this, but then, this is the
ship whose management think that playing the theme tune to “the Titanic” during dinner is a cool idea! So who
am I to complain?
The others wander in at various times and we all eat well, though I guess Ade could have done with
more vegetarian items to choose from. After breakfast, I pack up the few things I had brought with me and make my way down
to the van. Ade and Nick arrive and we climb aboard, then Paul arrives and we sit waiting for Jules. The announcement for
all remaining passengers to return to their vehicles is made and there is still no sign of Jules.
Nick and Ade begin their “Wampire routine” speaking in what is supposed to be a Transylvanian
accent to each other and we fall about in stitches of laughter. But then the ships main doors begin to open and Ade starts
the van up, we look anxiously at the stairwell but Jules is still nowhere in sight!
Ade is finally waved off of the ship and we have no choice but to comply! We drive slowly forward and Nick is beginning
to get angry. It is understandable when you consider the very long journey ahead of us, we need to get moving and we can’t!
Ade pulls the van over to one side and we all jump out, It is obvious to all how Nick feels about
the situation and he gives the door a hefty slam. It is at moments like this that it is best not to say anything and so Paul
and I consider discretion being the better part of valour return to the front of the ship to look for the missing Jules.
There is still no sign of him. I am anxiously watching the entrance where all the vehicles disembark
and Paul is down by the passenger terminal. I can see Nick and Ade in the van and by the gesticulations, I am glad I am out
here and not in the van. Fifteen minutes later and it is getting seriously worrying, where the fuck has he got to? Nearly
half an hour goes by before finally Paul calls to me that Jules has turned up and we walk back to the van. We decide to give
it a couple of minutes when we see the van shaking and Nick in full flow, arms whirling like a windmill.
It turns out that Jules apparently went the wrong way on the ship and couldn’t find the car
deck, so he got off with all the foot passengers, Nick is not amused and Paul and I bury our heads in magazines until the
storm has passed, I for one am glad not to be the focus of his anger.
But as we finally hit the road to Bergen he calms down and Ade once more chants his mantra, “What
could possibly go wrong?”
Well something did go wrong and it happened only just outside Oslo! We stopped to fill up the van
and buy a road map of Norway, since neither Nick nor Ade could find their box of all the maps they had before departing on
this tour so we have had to buy maps as we go or rely on my “Lonely Planets guide” which I had taken with me to
give me an insight into the various countries and cities through which we were passing. I stay in the van as the others pile
out, Ade to fill up, Nick to buy the map, Paul to stock up on food and Jules to buy the obligatory bar of chocolate! A short
while later the Norwegian petrol attendant comes out with Nick and Ade, looks at the van, shakes his head dramatically and
says something to them I cannot hear, then returns to the warmth of the petrol station.
They are inside the petrol station for a long time and it is getting bloody cold in the van without
the heater on, so I eventually climb out and wander down to join them and find out what is causing the second delay of the
day! This day is not looking good so far!
It seems that the road to Bergen has been blocked with snow for weeks and today is the first day
they have driven a snowplough through to clear a path. The attendant had looked at our “Econo-van”, shaken his head at the tyres on the van and advised us that, if we attempted to drive to Bergen with tyres
like that, we would die! Even if we had had snow chains on, he couldn’t guarantee we would make it.
It is at times like these that you really start to think on your mortality, I began to have a daydream
in which I pictured us all stranded in the middle of frozen Norway, the van stuck and a nine hour walk to any human habitation
in sub zero temperatures, huge snow drifts blocking our way at every turn and the attendants words acting as a soundtrack
to this nightmarish vision, “If you drive in this van to Bergen you will die!” the word “DIE…DIE…DIE…”
echoing again and again off into the distance.
It is therefore with scarcely concealed relief that I accept Nick and Ade’s
decision to not go any further and to return instead to Oslo and book into our hotel one day early. No-one says as much but
we all know that this is a costly blow to the tour.....................
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