11/02/02 Bielefeld to Hamburg, Germany.
Window displays and shit holes
In the morning we all go to Burger King for breakfast,
which is all of 20 metres away from our hotel. Then it is back on the road and
we are heading north towards our next destination, the city of Hamburg in northern Germany, home of the infamous Reeperbahn
and all its sundry attractions. After a non-eventful journey we arrive in Hamburg and find the hotel, which is infinitely
better than the Etap! We unload and crash out for an hour or two, Nick and Ade spend quite a bit of time on the phone trying
to (and eventually succeeding) in sorting out tomorrow’s ferry from Denmark to Oslo in Norway.
In the afternoon, we drive into Hamburg city
centre and it is here that Nick announces that they are going to do a record store appearance before the gig at the "Hafenklang" tonight.
(Hafenklang is sort of translated as "Sound of the Harbour")
The name of the Record shop is "Michelle's" and it
is co-owned by a guy who plays in a German band called "Das Weeth" who once, apparently, supported the Frond here in Germany.
We park up outside the shop and wander in, the shop
is of about medium size but when asked where the band are supposed to be playing they are told that it is in the window!
Realising what a unique opportunity this was, your
intrepid reporter dashed back to the van and grapped both his video camera and his still camera to capture this event in all
its glory.
If you ever happen to be watching the video I took
that evening you will of course see the spectacle of several bemused "Hamburgers" wandering past the window in a state of
confusion, some of course naturally stop to peer in (a very typical Germanic trait is to be nosey!) This all provides a rather
amusing backdrop to Nick, Ade and Jules playing in the window, Paul very wisely passed up the chance and played by the front
door security barrier, mainly because there simply was not enough room in there.
The band follow Nicks lead into a jam which suddenly
Nick sings over the top of, demonstrating his abillity to make a good song up on the spot, it is cool and I am very glad I
had the sense to go and get my video camera.
Nick gets so into his music that if you ever watch
him close up when he plays, he quite often rolls his eyes into the back of his head (good song title there I think!!!)
and suddenly develops this "out there" expression. It is wonderful to watch and shows how much hecares about his music for
it to carry him away like that, really, very cool indeed!
There is absolutely no room for movement so Ade is
restricted to sitting on top of a speaker cab and Jules's drum kit is pared down to just one snare, bass drum and cymbal.
Paul has to contend with the ignomity of having to move out of customers ways whilst playing! Despite these seeming drawbacks
tha band play a set of four great songs. really wonderful to watch, 20 minutes of great music including an absolutely unheard
of number before! What was really sad was that only about 10 people were in the shop to see it!
We load
back onto the van and drive off to the “Hafenklang” which is close to the Reeperbahn and right by the docks.
Now Hamburg, despite being a port is actually
surprisingly pretty in parts and it is therefore unfortunate that we are not playing in any of them! We arrive outside what
looks like an old, dirty and derelict looking warehouse and spy the fading name of the “Hafenklang”, and discover
that our venue is indeed an old, dirty and derelict looking warehouse. Nick goes in and re emerges a few minutes later,
“Two words” he announces to us, “SHIT
and HOLE!” it says it all really!
Having said that, those two words really don’t
do the place justice, it is far, far worse!
We unload the equipment and carry it all in,
stumbling frequently on the uneven surface. The band are on a stage which according to my tour book measures 3.5 x 5.8 x 0,70,
which is really not that big. My stall is to be at the back, close to the sound desk, where I am given one severely stained
with beer and other things I cannot begin to imagine trestle table. I glance at the seating arrangements for me and decide
not to share its facilities with the inhabitants living within it!
I also decide that it would be unwise to bring
in my video camera and minidisk and so Hamburg becomes the only gig I did not record on this tour. Therefore it is all down
to my memory and my tour diary.
The sound check is great, however the sound is
very powerful and I can feel the walls shake whenever Ade plays a note! This bodes well for an interesting night I go upstairs to discover the tour rider has been eaten, but
not by us! Also the hot food that they were to provide has also already been indulged in and all that is left is some sort
of milky potato slop that looks and smells very suspicious indeed! It is supposed to be vegan or something and I try some
as I really have to eat but after almost chucking up what little I managed I decide to head for the apples in my bag instead.
Chocolates,
prostitutes and non-fans!
Nick and Ade have disappeared somewhere with some friends who have turned up, so Paul, Jules and
I are left to wander around looking for some chocolate for Jules who it would seem has a great passion for the stuff! So off
we troop to find him some, we turn right, the shops being closer that way but everything is shut so we go the other way and
pass by a nice looking restaurant and see some rather familiar faces inside.
Yep! It is Nick and Ade who amusingly wave back at us and laugh, they look like they are enjoying
their cordon bleu meal so, cheerfully waving two fingers back at the bastards we move out of sight of all that delicious looking
food and walk past a ship moored to the dock.
To our right is an absolutely stunning looking girl who leans on a car and smiles, (well she looked
okay from where I was standing, but then it was dark and we were hungry!) What she is doing there is obvious when you consider
it was bloody freezing, yet she was dressed in the tiniest of miniskirts, fishnet tights which showed off her legs to great
effect and a plunging, red leather top which displayed her breasts very nicely indeed, not that I looked of course!
We move on, good boys that we are but we find nothing that resembles somewhere to eat, so we return
to the venue, going past the girl once more and also past those two grinning buggers who are now patting their stomachs in
relish, My stomach grumbles as we move on.
The venue has opened before it should and thus my stall has been appropriated by several, rather
inebriated sorts who have set up home in one of the best view points in the place, my stall area! I explain in my best sign
language (speaking as I do, very little German at this point) that they need to move, which to their credit, they did with
very little complaint, probably because I am bigger than them, that or they were probably too pissed to care and didn’t
understand my garbled German anyway!
I do a roaring trade once I am set up and answer a mountain of questions, and hear for the first
time a rumour that Andy Ward is dead! I explain that no, he is not dead, just not able to tour at the moment.
The new CD is selling well and I am enjoying myself, when a group of lads come up to me and ask
if they can have the CD cheaper. I have to turn them down and explain that the CD is already very reasonably priced! They
want to pay just 6 euros for it (roughly 4 pounds) I truthfully explain that it is not even out yet (which it wasn’t
at this time) it is the latest release and therefore not likely to be subject to such bargain basement prices so soon! They
decide to buy just one disc between them and after purchasing it, explain that they will burn it for each other anyway. They
seem somewhat surprised when I tell them to fuck off! They argue that they are real fans of the Bevis Frond and want to share
it and I reply that they are thieving *****!
They had
already bought their “one CD” otherwise I would have refused to sell it to them out of principle.
A bicycle ride perhaps?…
No thanks!
The band play another stormer of a gig and Ade’s
bass solo is a highlight. Paul has lent him his Governor pedal which Ade uses with great relish also employing his “Thelot!”
pedal, called so because Ade had to squeeze the words on and they looked like one word! And which one person thought was a
new type of pedal, in reality it is just the switch that puts every effect on, in other words “the lot!” When
Ade presses the button the very air is throbbing in the warehouse. It is an incredible feeling and Nick and Paul are cracking
up! Nicks comment after Ades solo was something along the lines of, “Well if that didn’t remove the fillings in
your teeth then nothing will!” It is a very accurate description of what sounds Ades bass produced that night. After
the gig a girl is hanging around and chats me up, then she works through the band first Paul, then Jules and soon it becomes
clear she wants to come back to the party. She is not a stunner like the young lady by the docks, but she seems like fun.
However, being good boys we say our goodbyes and jump into the van. We drive back to the hotel and amazingly there she is
by the door! She has cycled like a mad thing to get there before us. So she comes up to one of the rooms where the after gig
party takes place. I can truthfully say that she slept with no one, passing out so completely that it probably would have
been necrophilia anyway!!
In the morning at breakfast I spy the bike outside
and say “I see the bicycle’s still here”, to which Ade swiftly responds, “Nope, she just left!”
Well I thought it was amusing anyway…
12/03/02
Hamburg
to Copenhagen & the ferry.
The true purpose
of windmills?
The van has now developed
a slow oil leak (our grateful thanks yet again to "Econovans of Walthamstow!") we adopt the "Can't see it, doesn't affect
us" attitude and hope to hell it simply goes away.
We have to get to Copenhagen
harbour for the 5pm ferry, which will get us into Oslo in Norway the next morning at 9:00am and thus Paul, Jules and
I are treated once again to the spectacle of the well-oiled touring machine that is Nick and Ade. They faultlessly guide us
to our destination and the whole thing is only slightly marred by the suicidal antics of the glove compartment door continually
flying open and bashing Nick or Ades knee! The air is filled with the sound of Gaffer tape being ripped and applied liberally
to the taciturn door.
One defining moment happens when
we pass by a wind farm, several giant windmills dominate the landscape and jules innocently asks what they are there for?
Ade, never one to pass up an opportunity like the one presented to him sets about convincing Jules that the windmills are
there in order to create wind because germany is suffering from a severe wind drought....Ade almost has him!
Dress standards
and low flying joints
We arrive in Copenhagen at 3pm and it is certainly
a beautiful city, there is a certain northern, solid granite feel to the architecture, but it is beyond doubt, very appealing.
It always seems you have an idea in your mind maybe from books or TV of how famous places look and they never quite match
the reality! We will be back this way in a few days in order to play Loppen in Christiana, Copenhagen. But for now we board
the ferry, destination Oslo in Norway. This gigantic ship is to be our whole universe for the next 17 hours and I have no
idea what lies in wait around the corner!
Tonight I am sharing a cabin with Nick and Ade
for the journey as they have the three-bunk cabin and I end up with the upper bunk. Ade, Nick and I meet up an hour or so
later and decide to go for something to eat.
The ferry truly is, absolutely enormous and has
five separate restaurants on board as well as a nightclub, disco and cinema. We check out the menus, as Ade is vegetarian
and it turns out that the “Blue Ribband” restaurant is the only one which offers suitable dishes, so we head on
in only to be stopped by an officious woman who imperiously demands that we all
wear jackets and ties!!!
When it is pointed out to this delightful woman,
that unfortunately our tuxedos are sadly locked up in the tour bus, which of course is in the hold and therefore out of bounds
to passengers during the voyage, thus rendering us unable to comply with the "Dress code" of the restaraunt she stands her
ground and insists that she therefore calls the restaraunt manger to come up and inspect us!
This is clearing red flag at bull time and an already seriously pissed
off Nick detonates with all the force of an atomic bomb,
"WHAT THE FUCK FOR?" he rages incandescently, causing not a few of
the more "precious" women in the restaraunt to no doubt blanche and become in need of smelling salts. But still this tower
of stone that is the women who has a microm of power and has let it go to her head defies us,
"Because sir," she retorts self righteously, "You have a hole in
your sweater!"
